Couple relationships has always been complicated, with each individual bringing to the table so many conscious and unconscious hopes and desires.
In the 21st century, changes affecting gender roles, the influence of social media and the availability of sexual content on the internet, have meant that people are grappling with ever more questions about what it means to be in a ‘good enough’ relationship, or to have a ‘good enough sex’.
Although every couple is different, there are some common relationship issues couples struggle with:
- Money – couples often argue over finances and how to spend money. Frequently one partner is more inclined to spend, while the other is more cautious and keen to save money.
- Sex – is often a source of couple conflict, with mismatched expectations. For example, one partner looking for much more regular sex than the other is prepared to give. Unrealistic expectations are a common theme, either deriving from watching pornography online or general perceptions promoted through movies and television, where couples have amazing sex lives.
- Communication – couples frequently have different ways of communicating. Some people like to sort out issues straight away, even it if means having a row. While others want time to think about things, and then have a quiet conversation about it, hoping to avoid conflict. Some find it hard to talk about what’s worrying them in the relationship, and there can be a lingering resentment over something, which one day reaches a boiling point that is hard to recover from.
- Domestic tasks – the division of housework and childcare frequently creates conflict, with one person feeling they are carrying an unequal burden. The lockdowns have accentuated this issue for many couples, with home schooling added into the mix of responsibilities to share.
- Space – there’s often conflict around space in the relationship. Finding a balance between individual pursuits, work, friendships, couple and family time needs constant renegotiation for couples.
- Family – many couples find it hard to cope with each other’s families. From criticisms over parenting styles, to how much family/in-law time is reasonable, there’s usually a lot to manage emotionally here. And issues from our original family upbringing can be projected onto our partners or children, causing conflict.
- Lack of compromise – from day to day domestic tasks, to parenting styles, if one partner is not open to compromising, and always thinks they know best, it can make the relationship very unbalanced and difficult. It’s so important to listen to and respect each other’s views.
- Mental health – the rise in depression, anxiety and other mental health issues in our society wreaks havoc on our relationships. Stress is often a problem, and if it isn’t managed, can cause difficulties in our relationships.
- Addiction – whether its alcohol, drugs, gambling or porn, addiction is a problem for many couples. Along with this comes disconnection from the other’s feelings, chaos, manipulation, egocentricity and sometimes cruelty. There are lots of places people can seek support for addiction issues, but the damaging impact on their closest relationships will often need addressing too.
Free relationship support is available to parents in Kensington
Thanks to funding from the Department for Work & Pensions (DWP), Tavistock Relationships is delivering a free ‘Building Relationships for Stronger Families’ programme to support parents in seven London boroughs, including Kensington & Chelsea.
Currently provided online, the programme offers help to couples with children, whether living together or apart, divorced or separated, who are experiencing relationship and parenting problems.
We have already been able to support dozens of families in Kensington & Chelsea, and we’d like to be able to help more parents who are struggling to cope with the pressures of parenting and the pandemic. Stress can lead to tensions frequently boiling over, and lockdown has increased conflict between parents – both together and separated.
Research shows us that sustained conflict between parents can have a negative effect on children’s development in terms of mental and physical health. They can experience problems at school, sleep difficulties and problems with the relationships they make themselves as they grow up.
We are here to support parents feeling under extra pressure, both as a parent and within their relationship, whether together or separated.
We can help parents experiencing rows and arguments that get stuck or become out of control, which they cannot sort out by themselves.
Building Relationships for Stronger Families is a free and flexible support service for parents, providing one-to-one or group professional advice sessions to parents. These sessions enable parents to find ways to manage stresses and disagreements, exploring patterns of behaviour, as well as tools and techniques to improve parenting skills and help their family succeed.
Our trained therapists are able to work remotely and flexibly with Kensington & Chelsea parents, at a time to suit them.
Couples and families can apply for free support direct at https://www.tavistockrelationships.org/relationship-help/free-services  or by calling 020 7380 6099.
Article written by Sarah Ingram, head of the Building Relationships for Stronger Families programme at Tavistock Relationships, the couple therapy charity.
