First things first – anxiety is very normal. It’s an emotion, just like feeling sad or feeling happy. In itself, it’s not a problem, and we need to make sure that we don’t ‘over-medicalise’ something that really doesn’t need to be. It only becomes a problem when it interferes with your child’s everyday life.
Anxiety can be a positive. For example, we’re worried about catching Covid so we follow the rules to protect ourselves. We instil anxiety into our children to keep them safe – we warn them about ‘stranger danger’ or about the importance of crossing the road carefully to avoid being hit by a car.
Anxiety becomes problematic if it interferes with normal life and when that point is reached is different for everyone. Some children can articulate what’s worrying them, but younger children may experience anxiety without knowing that’s what they’re feeling. For example, they might have a tummy ache, a physical reaction, but they don’t have the words to describe how they’re actually feeling.
The fear behind the anxiety comes from somewhere – it’s a learned behaviour. A child might be scared of the dark because they had a bad dream and woke up in the dark. Or they might be fearful of spiders because they’ve seen how their parent reacts to spiders. As children get older, their anxiety may stem from the messages they hear about exam attainment or about the need to plan their future.
Often anxiety is based on something that’s not even true. We spend half our time worrying about things that won’t happen – frantically revising for an exam because we’re afraid of failing, for instance, which means we’re highly unlikely to fail the exam because of the revision we’ve done!
As a parent, you can disagree with what your child is worried about by using rationality to counteract the irrational voice that’s causing their anxiety. Try not to get angry, even though it can be incredibly frustrating because, as an adult, you know that what they’re anxious about isn’t real. Bath time can become a real fight if your child is afraid of getting their face wet but patience is key! It’s also important to look at how you behave because children copy their parents. If your child is afraid of monsters under the bed, it’s far better that you crawl under the bed to prove there are no monsters there, rather than saying ‘don’t be so silly, there’s no such thing as monsters, go to bed’.
How you can help
- Be honest with your child about some of the things that cause you anxiety and what you do, for example going for a run or having a bath. Think about what you do and what you can suggest your child might want to try.
- Anxiety is often accompanied by a lot of nervous energy so doing something physical can help. For example, it might be better to suggest your child goes outside and runs around the garden, rather than suggesting they do some colouring in.
- Ask your child what they find helpful.
- Giving your child praise and encouragement – it will get you a lot further than criticism or getting angry with them.
- Challenge their anxious voice – make the rational voice louder.
- Model positive behaviour. You may not like spiders yourself but demonstrate to your child that you can tolerate them so that any anxiety becomes manageable.
- Music can be very calming and you can develop good associations with it. If your child has a favourite film track, playing that can help, for example if they’re anxious when going to sleep.
Anxiety and the return to school after lockdown
Filling your child with fear about the pandemic won’t make Covid go away, particularly as they return to school. It’s important that you can demonstrate confidence and trust in your school to look after you child and that your child picks up on that positive stance. Show enthusiasm, be excited that they’re going back and ask them how they’re feeling about going back to school.
Children are wonderfully adaptable, so don’t be anxious on their behalf about things they may not even notice. Testing, for example, will become normal, all of their peers will be doing it too, so it will just become part of the culture for your child.
Finally, if you do have any concerns, take them to the school, not to your child.
When to seek help
You should seek help about your child’s anxiety if:
- The anxiety is having a severe effect on their normal sleep patterns.
- Their appetite changes.
- They’re disengaging from what they normally enjoy.
Anxiety can be time or place specific, and that could be either at home or at school, so it’s worth talking to your child’s teachers. Don’t feel you’ll be judged or criticised – these are people who know your child well.
One word of advice – try to stay off the internet if you don’t want to end up finding a diagnosis of a serious disorder! Remember, anxiety is normal and helps to keep us safe.
Rachel Welch, consultant Schools and Families trainer at the Charlie Waller Trust. Rachel has recently written about the impact of cancelling exams on young people’s mental health.
The Charlie Waller Trust provides evidence-based information about staying mentally well; they aim to give practical and positive advice while acknowledging how difficult it can be to experience poor mental health. Supporting parents is a big part of their work, providing leaflets and practical online information for free. For more practical information and advice about anxiety, visit the Charlie Waller Trust website.
