Seven ways to boost your relationship | Kensington Mums

Relationships are hard to do at the best of times, but the changes to our lives as a result of the coronavirus are putting relationships under extra strain.

Many couples are struggling to cope with money, health and job security worries, and continued anxiety surrounding the pandemic.

Relationships are so important for our health and wellbeing, and that of our children.  What we do in our couple and co-parenting relationships affects the success of our children in every area of their life.

Being part of a couple is an ever-developing process which takes ‘work’, and investing in the health of our relationships is really important.

Here are seven ways to help boost your relationship

1. Be tolerant – accepting and tolerating difference is essential in every relationship. We need to try to strike the balance between being two individuals – as well as a couple. We need to learn to respect our differences, regularly take time to put ourselves in the other’s shoes and think about what makes the other person happy.
2. Negotiate – there’s also often conflict around space in relationships, and this has been accentuated by the lockdowns. Finding a balance between individual pursuits, work, friendships, couple and family time needs constant renegotiation for couples.
3. Set aside time to talk – it’s important to regularly find time to talk about things that are worrying us, and to come to an agreement together to make the necessary changes to support each other. Couples frequently have different ways of communicating.  Some people like to sort out issues straight away, even it if means having a row.  While others want time to think about things, and then have a quiet conversation about it, hoping to avoid conflict.
4. Practice active listening – making assumptions about a partner’s thoughts and feelings is a common trap in long-term relationships and can often lead to misunderstanding and conflict. Instead, take time out to ask open questions and consider your partner’s needs.  For example by asking questions like, “That’s what I think, but what about you?” you’ll show that you consider your partner’s thoughts and feelings to be important.  But don’t just wait for your partner to finish what he or she is saying, instead focus on listening well before responding.
5. Show appreciation – saying ‘thank you’ is really important. Some couples assume the other knows they are grateful but ‘thank you’ is a magical phrase that prevents feelings of being taken for granted and resentment.  It creates a positive cycle between partners, encouraging us to repeat generous acts, like making each other a cup of tea in the morning.
6. Help each other – every day stresses stack-up within everyone and the majority of people are oblivious to the weight they are carrying around. It can be helpful for us to get to know the feelings of stress mounting up within ourselves, but also in our partners.  Helping each other with domestic tasks and child care, is a way of understanding each other’s struggle, minimizing blame and creating more time to relax together.
7. Play together – laughing and ‘playing’ has all kinds of health benefits, from easing stress and anxiety, countering depression and boosting positive mood. Research reveals that most people look for a good sense of humour in their ideal mate and sharing a sense of what’s funny affirms an intimate relationship.  So watch some comedies together and play cards or board games to lighten the mood and increase a sense of pleasure in life and each other.

Free relationship support is available to parents in Kensington

Thanks to funding from the Department for Work & Pensions (DWP), Tavistock Relationships is delivering a free ‘Building Relationships for Stronger Families’ programme to support parents in seven London boroughs, including Kensington & Chelsea.

Currently provided online, the programme offers help to couples with children, whether living together or apart, divorced or separated, who are experiencing relationship and parenting problems.

We have already been able to support dozens of families in Kensington & Chelsea, and we’d like to be able to help more parents who are struggling to cope with the pressures of parenting and the pandemic.  Stress can lead to tensions frequently boiling over, and lockdown has increased conflict between parents – both together and separated.

Research shows us that sustained conflict between parents can have a negative effect on children’s development in terms of mental and physical health.  They can experience problems at school, sleep difficulties and problems with the relationships they make themselves as they grow up.

We are here to support parents feeling under extra pressure, both as a parent and within their relationship, whether together or separated.

We can help parents experiencing rows and arguments that get stuck or become out of control, which they cannot sort out by themselves.

Building Relationships for Stronger Families is a free and flexible support service for parents, providing one-to-one or group professional advice sessions to parents.  These sessions enable parents to find ways to manage stresses and disagreements, exploring patterns of behaviour, as well as tools and techniques to improve parenting skills and help their family succeed.

Our trained therapists are able to work remotely and flexibly with Kensington & Chelsea parents, at a time to suit them.

Couples and families can apply for free support direct at https://www.tavistockrelationships.org/relationship-help/free-services  or by calling 020 7380 6099.

Article by By Sarah Ingram, head of the Building Relationships for Stronger Families programme at Tavistock Relationships, the couple therapy charity.