5 Top tips for supporting your teen | Kensington Mums

If you’re the parent of a teenager, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some questionable behaviour. And that may have become worse during the long months of lockdown and other restrictions on your teen’s normal life. But what if the way they behave weren’t actually their ‘fault’ – that actually a lot of what’s going on is a direct result of some major changes taking place in their brain? Read on for some insights into the teen brain and some of the pressures your child is likely to be facing, plus some top tips on how you can best support them during these turbulent times.

The teen brain

Starting from puberty and continuing right up to the mid-20s, significant changes take place in the brain; unused connections are ‘pruned’, whilst other connections are strengthened.

Connections between certain areas of the brain develop later than others, with the frontal lobe, which is involved in decision making, problem solving and impulse control, being one of the last parts to fully develop. Teens are therefore reliant on the amygdala, which is involved in emotional learning, threat perception and impulsive, instinctive and aggressive behaviour. Coupled with changing hormone levels, the perfect storm is created. No wonder your teen’s behaviour can become so moody and unpredictable!

Teenagers become very self-conscious and egocentric. They have massive concerns about what other people think about them and become more affiliated to their peers. This can lead them to getting involved in negative, risk-taking behaviour due to peer pressure, without having the capacity to think of the consequences.

Other stresses for teens

Because teenagers haven’t gone through the wide range of experiences that we’re likely to have had as adults, they need time to develop the resilience to cope with adversity. They haven’t learnt, for example, that just because a relationship or a friendship has ended, the world doesn’t end too. For children and young people who have not yet developed the skills to manage adversity, these kinds of event can feel very overwhelming.

They’re also likely to measure their own worth by external factors – such as academic results, and when there’s so much uncertainty around exams and the return to school, it adds additional pressure. Again, teenagers haven’t yet had the experience of life to be able to confidently manage uncertainty. They may also feel pressure to be something or someone, as measured by ‘likes’ on social media, which is likely to be occupying even more of their time currently.

The impact of Covid-19

All of this is taking place against the backdrop of Covid-19, where they can’t be with their peers. They’re predominantly living in their home environment and are missing out on social development. Their parents may also be under stress and feeling the pressure too. Even the best parent in the world may struggle to be civil towards their unruly teen or tolerate difficult behaviour.

In this situation, it’s very important that parents take care of their own wellbeing so that they can create an environment where their children can flourish and feel safe. Children often pick up on their parent’s mood and act up themselves. Stress and anxiety are ‘contagious’ – if we’re stressed, it has an impact on those around us, and our children are likely to behave the same way, so it’s important parents can find ways to manage their own feelings.

Top tips for supporting your teen

1.  First and foremost, look after your own mental health. This will help you to manage your own teen more effectively, as well as setting a good example to them about how to look after their own mental health.
2. Be willing to talk appropriately about how you’re feeling, for example, “I’m feeling a bit snappy today, so please be patient with me if I don’t give you the answer you were hoping for.” If you can model that willingness to be open about how you’re feeling, it sets a positive example for your child. · Try to have open conversations about how your child is feeling but without being too pushy. Leave the door open to having these conversations whenever your child feels ready.
3. If they do want to talk, strive to be non-judgemental and empathetic. It’s so important that your child feels that you’re validating their perspective, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them!
4. Listen actively to what your child is telling you – one reason that teenagers stop talking to their parents is because they pick up that their parents aren’t really listening to them. Practice being present emotionally.
5. Model positive behaviour by putting your phone away. Researchers have coined the phrase ‘technoference’ to refer to the interference that mobile phones or tablets create in a relationship, when we’re too busy looking at devices and not paying attention to who we are with. Research suggests that higher amounts of technoference are associated with an increase in negative behaviour of the child. With home schooling and working, we’re all staring at our screens for long periods of time, so show your children that there are times of day when all that technology should be put away.

Help for you and your child

The teenage years can be a time when mental health issues such as anxiety or eating disorders may start to emerge. You may notice short term anxiety or low mood, for example after a relationship breakdown, which resolve fairly promptly. However, if your child’s ability to function (sleeping, eating and schoolwork) is significantly affected over a period of time, for example they have been low or highly anxious for most of the time over a period of two weeks or more, it’s important that they get some support and early intervention is key.

Article is written by Schools and Families Director, Sarah Ashworth. You can find some really useful information on sources of support and practical steps that you can take to help your child on the Charlie Waller Trust website

The Charlie Waller Trust was founded by the Waller family in 1997 in response to the tragic loss of Charlie to suicide whilst he was suffering from depression. It has since become one of the UK’s most respected mental health charities.

Its mission is to educate young people and those with responsibility for them – parents and carers, teachers, college and university staff, employers, GPs and nurses – about their mental health and wellbeing. 

Most of the Trust’s work is delivered through schools, colleges, universities and workplaces, in the form of consultancy, training, and the provision of educational and practical resources.

Through its sponsorship of The Charlie Waller Institute at the University of Reading, the Trust also facilitates the training of clinicians in evidence-based psychological treatments.